I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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