im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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