i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
