I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
