I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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