i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
