remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
