I am puke
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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