So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
