youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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