Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
