just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
