this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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