drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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