Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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