I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
