He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
