dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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