I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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