My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
