my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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