I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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