is your mom at the bar?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
time to smoke my breakfast
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
