My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
