mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
whose parrot is this?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
