I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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