There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
