We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
