i wish my penis had a tongue
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
