He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
