Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
