I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
