I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
