Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
