I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
