So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
