Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
