A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
