My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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