you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
