My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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