Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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