one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
