Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
