toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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