They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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