I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
