My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
