All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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