Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
