yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
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