Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
