Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
How naked do you want me to be?
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