Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
