do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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