just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
