i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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