I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
