Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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